When helping doesn’t help: Lessons from the rescuer role

This story is for anyone who is stuck in people pleasing. For those who always try to keep peace by adapting themselves. For those who continue to feed destructive patterns, for those who step into the role of rescuer, at the expense of their own needs and self-confidence. If you ever felt that your worth depended on whether others needed you, or that love meant sacrificing your own truth… You are not alone.

That was me. With a glass of wine in my hand, explaining to my best friend why I still couldn’t date. Months after the breakup.

I saw his problems, his loneliness, his feeling of being lost and stuck. And I also saw his part in that. But I believed him when he said he was all alone and didn’t know what to do without me. In retrospect: quite naïve!

Every person has their own resourcefulness and resiliency, even if we can’t imagine where they’re going to get it from. Even if it means that they suddenly have a new partner while ignoring their real issues. Let them do it.

And yet… There we are. The empaths, the highly sensitive, the pleasers, the appeasers. Those who feel responsible for other people’s emotions and lives. Afraid of what will happen if the other person is alone.

But… it takes two to tango.

The hidden dance of people pleasing and emotional pleasing

It’s not just their victim story.
It’s not just their fragile ego.
It’s not just their anger.

It is also our intolerance to pain.
It is our urge to control the outside world, because we don’t feel a grip inside.
It’s that we’re reacting to something old, not what’s really happening now.

It is my inner child versus his. Both hoping for an adult who will finally bring peace.

We rarely react as adults when an old wound is touched.

Me too. Even with all my knowledge as a therapist. There I was, explaining to my girlfriend why I couldn’t date yet. Months after the break-up. Why? Because he had told me that he was afraid of losing me completely, that he was slipping into depression, and that his world would collapse if I met someone else.

And I felt responsible. My head gave me all kinds of logical explanations (which I don’t share here, out of respect for his privacy), but later I discovered that there was much more to it. This was a trauma bond.

I continued to help him. Always that listening ear, always available, always trying to solve it. Not because I wanted to control him, but because I honestly thought I was needed. That it was my job. What I didn’t realize at the time was that this constant availability also maintained something. That maybe my energy was just what kept him in place. Unconsciously, he evoked situations in which he needed reassurance again. And I got back in it again and again. With all love, but also at the expense of myself.

What I didn’t realize at the time was that I was feeding the pattern. Not only his; including mine. My bigotry for discomfort. Not only his discomfort, but also mine. Because why couldn’t I stand the fact that he felt bad? That’s not empathy. That is survival. That’s about myself.

And before I forget: it wasn’t all negative. We also laughed, had adventures, felt love. He was there for me too, by the way, but his insecurity tried to keep me small and that whole dynamic made it just as confusing.

The fact that you have read this far tells me that you probably recognize this.

What I had to learn in this situation of people pleasing, adapting and worrying about self-confidence and boundaries:

• Leaving room for difficult feelings and emotions. They are less frightening than they seem.
• We can tap into a resilience and resourcefulness in us when it’s needed, even when we didn’t know it was in us.
• I will never abandon myself again. It’s never worth it.
• I can trust my gut feeling, and make choices from my intuition instead of from external input.
• I can trust that the answers I need are already within me. And that applies to everyone.

My best friend had tried to explain this to me many times. But I couldn’t hear it. I couldn’t see it.

Why not?

Because 95% of my brain, my subconscious, was still stuck in the story.

I acted out of old pain. Not from my 5% conscious brain. Our conscious brain, with all its logic and plans, can do little if the other 95% — the emotional subconscious — is terrified of the courageous, rational plans of that conscious part.

Have you ever felt that? That you can’t do what you’ve decided, and it’s hard to put it into words As if you hit an invisible wall.

That wall is your subconscious. That’s your emotional mind. And we all know from experience: when logic and emotion collide, emotion is guaranteed to win.

Completely done with it?

When you’re done with people pleasing, walking on eggshells, carrying feelings that aren’t yours, it’s time to let it go. It’s time to get back to yourself. Because real self-confidence never comes from outside. That is deep inside.

You can do this on your own. But just know, it can take you months, or even years.

And if you don’t feel like waiting, if you’ve really had it with pleasing, adjusting, caring, walking on eggshells, let me help you. In 90 days you are not only rid of that pattern. You also feel confident. Clear. And completely yourself.

If you would like to receive my guidance, please send me an email, call me on +32 495 18 36 68 or book an curiosity call right away.

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